I'm sitting in a session with my therapist a week ago when she says to me, "How is Clarissa doing today?" This seems like an obvious question coming from your counselor, but the way she asks this question, eyes fully focused on me, her body angled toward mine, her face emanating stillness, calm and sincerity. It's so inviting and so real. She is looking at me for who I am. Not what I can be. Not what I should be. Just who I am. There is nothing more beautiful and liberating than feeling like you are welcome. Each time she asks me this question I sit a little straighter, rub my hands together and nervously cross and uncross my legs because I know that I am about to get really honest with her and she is going to be honest with me in return. That's the tricky part of these exchanges. You cannot fully commit to brutal honestly without expecting the other person to be brutally honest in return. The difference is there is no need to defend myself here. The floor is open for conversation. I explain to her that I had a rough emotional week because I came across a shadow of my past and it left feelings of uncertainty, doubt, sadness and even guilt. She asks me to dive deeper. I tell her circumstances have been coming up on a regular basis that are testing me and my resolve. The ghost of someone I used to know haunts me in ways that only the broken hearted can understand. I voice the pleas I want answered: "How long does it take to overcome this pain? When does it stop affecting you? Why does it feel like I should be over it by now according to society's standards?" She says to me, there is no right time. There is no limit for when this should be over, one day you will simply feel acceptance. I think that's the problem with most of us, we want clear concise answers that we can put on our calendar so that one day we can cross it off and say it's done. Unfortunately, suffering doesn't work that way.
In one of Oprah's Super Soul Conversations with Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose," Tolle says: "Every human being has to go through a certain amount of suffering... You cannot avoid suffering... If there were a human being that could have avoided all suffering they would be totally superficial. It's suffering that drives you deeper."
When I heard this, all I could think was, how much deeper am I going to be driven into this pain? I can honestly say it is no longer excruciating and blinding, but the scar is there. It would take only minor poking and prodding for it to flare up again I am almost certain. So how does one overcome this suffering so that it doesn't become the core of my identity? I think for me, it all boils down to how willing am I to move past the thoughts in my head that constantly want to say: You are not enough. You are not worthy. How could you expect anything different? In essence, victimizing myself due to circumstance. I am sure we all know that person who thrives on their victim story. I don't want to be that person so I challenge myself to grow every day. The biggest battle we will ever face is the one with ourselves. In "A Path Made Clear" by Oprah Winfrey, Iyanla Vanzant, one of Oprah's highly regarded teachers speaks about the inner battle we all have.
Iyanla: "I'm not fighting the world. I am fighting that part of me that says, You can't do that... And then the other part says, Come on, we're going to do this... That's where the real battle is. The part of us that would rather stay broke, miserable and complaining, living in mediocrity.
Oprah: Why? Because we're afraid?"
Iyanla: Because we get to control it. We say, I know how to be broke, and poor and struggle and suffer and be angry. I know how to do that. But when it comes to being open and vulnerable - because the core ingredient of trust is vulnerability - that's unfamiliar.
At the end of the day, I know how to be sad and broken and riddled with guilt. What I am learning is to trust my decisions, instincts and ideas that are helping me move past my victim story and into unfamiliar territory where I can recognize patters in myself that lead me away from who I really am. I learned a big lesson sitting in that office. When someone makes you feel guilty about something, you have invariably given them emotional control over you. That is dangerous territory. The best advice I was given that day is to recognize the signs of emotional control - guilt, feeling sorry for, or second-guessing yourself. When there is harm done to another human being, the last thing we want to do is admit it. Our ego cannot accept that the pain we are feeling is warranted. Therefore we must literally propel it onto another person or internalize it into our victim story. Just remember, people usually do harmful things to each other consciously - meaning they knew it might hurt or affect you and did it anyway. So when you're starting to feel like you're getting dragged down the rabbit hole of guilt - ask yourself, 'isn't this what they wanted?' If so, let them tread their own water for a change.
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