Where is my zen when I need it! Anxiety and uncertainty came knocking at my door this week and without even a moment of hesitation I let them in. Why? Because my ego said to me, they are here for a reason, to remind you what happens when you allow only love to course through you. Remember what happens when you let people in. The message was clear: Stay present and in control of your feelings and allow the universe to do with you as it must or resist it by holding on to your past and making yourself believe you are in control of what happens next. I forgot that we don't control the next scene in our life's movie.
In my short, but stressful week I tried in vain to maintain the delicate balance I was starting to feel manifest itself in me, but my mind had other plans. I noticed it in the lack of walks for Buns, (my dog). I noticed it in the lack of motivation to wake up early and work out. I noticed it in the way I felt so tired. I couldn't find peace because I was too busy giving in to my anxiety and uncertainty - both of which only come about when you are afraid of what may or may not happen tomorrow. I have to remember my own words of wisdom from last week's blog: "Who promises you tomorrow?" where I describe the tragedy of not appreciating today as the only true moment we have. Instead we look beyond this moment, and when that future moment finally does arrive, you won't even realize it's there, let alone enjoy it because you'll be too caught up moving on to to the next future task, the next moment, the next plan, etc. You're never present.
If I had to describe my feelings this week I would describe it as the moment your reach the top of Disney World's Blizzard Beach Summit Plummet Water Slide. You've just climbed 12 stories - a metaphor for all the darkness we have to wade through when things are hard in our life, you're out of breath, excited, nervous, expectant. You feel proud to have made it out of that dark place, in this case to the top of this ginormous 360-foot long slide. You are only two people away from sitting down and taking the plunge. Your heart is racing, your hands are sweaty. The two people in front of you are kids under eight who assume the position and let go without a moment's hesitation. They are the epitome of present. Whereas you are about to head back down the stairs because you've realized you don't want to do this anymore, it's too scary. In life, usually, when you think you've just about made it, God throws in a wrench, not to punish you, but to make you grow even deeper. You now must make the choice to succumb to your fears and fall back on what is comfortable, or face your reality, as uncertain as it may be with the belief that this is where you're meant to be. So you sit down, cross your legs, your arms, and when you see the red light turn green you let go...
Nothing prepares you for the feeling of free falling. Your body doesn't even touch the slide. You are literally floating. You're scared out of your whits. This feeling of not being in control lasts maybe 20 seconds, but for many, it feels like an eternity. This week felt like I was dragging a corpse and in many ways it was because I was not present. I was either worrying about the future or becoming saddened about the past. Remembering this experience makes me reflect on how beautiful it was to just let go, I can't remember feeling as wide awake, present or alive than I did after taking this plunge. The feeling was so intense it made me cry like a baby. Here's a video of the slide and even now it makes my stomach drop just remembering the feeling!
This week made me cry too because I wanted so desperately to feel any sense of control for what was happening around me, but the Big Guy reminded me, that I need to trust in him and allow him to direct my movie. After all, I don't belong in the director's chair. Devon Franklin, Award winning film and TV producer, uses the filmmaking process as a metaphor for finding direction and purpose in our life through his book, Produced by Faith. He says we can all get to where we are meant to be if we allow God to direct our movie. We are meant to be the star of our movie. Our job is to listen and be attuned to the whispers He is putting out there for us.
"God is always answering, but are we receiving, are we listening are we available?... Many people, if their prayers would be answered they couldn't even begin to receive it," Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith on Oprah's Super Soul Conversations.
I can recognize when I am stepping out of my path when my thoughts turn sour. Our mind can either be our friend, or our worse enemy. I have to constantly remind my thoughts that they are not in control. I have learned to calm my negative, worrisome or agitated thoughts by letting them know that they are recognized, that they have a place in my life, but they are no longer going to be backed with action. They will simply be. This way, I allow life to lead me in the direction of my purpose rather than sitting in resistance and forgetting to listen to the whispers and nudges telling me where I should be. If I am not still or quiet enough to listen, I might miss these crucial signs.
"You know how people do wishing wells, they throw a coin and they forget about it and then the thing shows up? They had an intention, then they let it go. They didn't event think about it anymore. Once you release your grasp then you give up your resistance and then that which is for you will come to you." - Dr. Beckwith.
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