Break Hearts, Cry Less 2020!

Is there anything better than waking up to a clean slate? If I told you, your life is a clean slate everyday, would you believe me? I've been toying with this concept in the days leading to New Years because as many of you know from reading my blogs, 2019 for me was hard as hell. In complete honesty, not all of it sucked, but A LOT of it drained me of so much emotional energy, I think back and wonder, how did I survive that? I know it sounds super dramatic, but, I still feel like somebody died in 2019. When you care and love and dream with a person for years and suddenly, they're not part of your life anymore, not because they died, but because they chose to leave, their absence knocks the very air out of you. The thought of never hearing this person's laugh or listen to their heartbeat while you lay on their chest, or feel the tickle of their fingers as they brush the hair from your face to give you forehead kisses. It sucks. October and November were months of false hope for me where I, once again, let my treacherous heart hope that maybe things were going to get better with my ex. Like, they couldn't get any worse, right? Any time you say that to yourself, let me tell you, you are opening the door for the universe to play a really sick joke. I still firmly believe that things happen for a reason, and the things happening right now in this moment, are exactly how they needed to happen, BUT it doesn't mean that when life slips you up on a banana peel, that it won't hurt you. I think, unfortunately, I had to slip and fall face first into the reality that my relationship with the person I dreamt of spending my life with, was over. I had to fall face first not once, but multiple times to finally comes to terms that it was over. I felt like those cartoons that keep getting punched in the face and losing a tooth with each punch until they are literally toothless. Why did I let myself get hurt repeatedly? Because I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want to face the truth that this relationship was over, because it was easier to hope that things would get better. And this person, knowing my heart, gave me wings, throwing breadcrumbs at me disguised as effort and I would lap each crumb up like a hungry dog. I can't believe I was okay with breadcrumbs, but again, it was easier than saying goodbye. It took me a long time to come to terms with that nasty truth, but I begrudgingly have, and the biggest lesson I can share with you is that in any relationship, the creation, articulation and upholding of your personal boundaries is what will help you get the respect you deserve. I had no boundaries in my last relationship. When I tried to set some, it was too late and they were too weak to really help me. Setting boundaries is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. Do yourself a favor and identify them early, vocalize them and stand by and defend them.

I will end with a quote from a woman who cracks me up and who I think is a wonderful empowering voice for women.

Iyanla Vanzant “If somebody had the privilege and the honor of walking into your life, living and growing with you, and they didn't have the good sense to stay, you need to be glad to be rid of them."

My resolution for this year:

Break Hearts, Cry Less 2020!