And Just Like That

Finding out we were pregnant so soon after getting married was both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. I was so ready to have the adventure of my dreams with the man that I always knew had my heart in the palm of his hand, I just had no idea our adventure would be this grand so quickly! Apparently, by adventure, the Big Guy upstairs decided to bless us with a little one due late this summer 2023. I will never forget what Harold said to me after we found out we were pregnant. It was something along the lines of "an angel really wanted to come be a part our lives" and nothing has ever felt so to true. How lucky we are to be chosen to welcome him and guide him through this magnificent and precious life.

I think it is safe to say that at the end of the day, clearly, I haunted Harold as much as he haunted me. Looking back on my last year, as I internally battled the pros and cons of opening the doors to the idea of an "us" again, I remember vividly someone very wise saying to me, "how many times in life do you get a second chance?" Even to this day there are times when I catch myself in awe that this is my life. I thought I had said goodbye to this person and to now see myself married to him, creating a life with him, pregnant with our first child, it still takes my breath away from time to time. I hope it always takes my breath away, because the beauty of what we have I know is rare.

If there is one thing I have learned since his return, it's that no matter what plans you make in life, the best thing you can do is strap in and follow your gut when making decisions about what is best for you. The moment I saw Harold, my heart knew, and practically sang out: "I am home." The moment I hugged him, I could feel everything I thought I had suppressed bubble right back up, as if it never left. It made me believe that true love never really leaves you. In one of the last scenes from Sex and The City The Movie, where Carrie sees Mr. Big at their old apartment to grab her iconic blue shoes, she says "It wasn't logic, it was love" as she hurls herself into Mr. Big's arms. When Harold and I reunited, I felt that to my core. To this day, when I hug him, I feel so giddy inside; like a little kid about to step foot at Disneyland. There is magic in our embrace. I always thought to myself that he was the best adventure I was ever going to have (very past tense); and yet, here I am, continuing on that adventure I thought had ended, but had actually only paused. Our paths forked for a long time, and just before there was no turning back for either of us, our roads collided in an unavoidable and magical crash.

I spent so much time after our breakup rebuilding Clarissa from the ground up because I was truly floored by the heartache and loss of him. The kind of heartbreak you would never wish on your worst enemy.

In order to fully allow myself to be happy in our relationship as a continuation of what we'd left behind, I really had to forgive.

I think the hardest part of continuing where he and I left off was that it put to the test how much I had been able to forgive and let go of from the past. I think it's safe to say, he faced this same challenge as well because as we all know, in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, there are always two sides to a story. Being that forgiveness is the epitome of a reconciled relationship, how do we get there when we can't forger what happened? I think it boils down to this simple fact: forgiveness involves choice. Just like our choice to love someone, we can choose to forgive and you have to actively continue choosing forgiveness in order to move forward.

The thing that makes forgiveness such a force of nature lies in the fact that sometimes in trying to forgive, it feels like you re-live the hard stuff you went through in a seemingly endless loop inside your head. I believe this happens in order to ensure that those wounds don't flare up later. If the wounds do flare up, can you honestly say you've forgiven? In my opinion, I think the answer is no, or, you're not quite there yet. I think grappling with what is preventing your true forgiveness means, you still have work to do in this area to get to where you want to be. I always try and say to myself when I fall short in this space: "This feels really hard right now. You are doing the best you can. Your heart is in the right place. You have good intentions. Let's take a breath and try again tomorrow." Self compassion has really helped me stay kind to the girl inside me who just wants to be thought of as perfect. As much as I know intellectually, that this is the most unattainable goal I can set for myself, it's a hard thing to break, but I work on it every day.

I pray we can teach our son to be as forgiving toward himself as I hope he is toward others. We are having a little boy. We can't wait to meet him. We still need to figure out his name. It will be a special name, for a very loved little one.

Stay tuned!

Book Recommendations:

Brent Brown - Atlas of the Heart